Certainly one of the challenges of parenting teenagers is managing your own reactions when your teen tells you that you "just don't understand", or criticises you for being a "rubbish parent" or when your teen rejects you and tells you to "go away" and leave them alone.
If this is the case, remember the following:
- Teens will often say things in the heat of the moment. Don't take their words personally or assume this is what they are always thinking. Pushing you away is often part of them learning to have their own voice and becoming an adult. Sometimes teenagers can be very hurtful when they are asserting their growing independence.
- Notice your own reaction is vital - is it anger, hurt, worry, distain or dislike?
- Take a big breath! Remind yourself that this is a natural part of adolescence. Try to reflect back the feelings behind your teen's statements: eg. if your teen says "I hate you!", you could respond with "You are really angry with me because ..."
- Teens can sometimes make hurtful comments. Try to manage your own feelings in the moment, and talk to another adult about your emotional responses.
By NOT reacting with anger and an attack, you convey to your son/daughter that you accept their feelings and their independent opinions. This will help keep the line of communication open and means that your teen is more likely to talk to you about the issue later when they are ready.
Useful statements to try during challenging moments might include:
- "Okay, you might not want to talk now, but I will be here if you want to talk about it later."
- "I can see you are pretty annoyed right now. I'm happy to listen if you want to talk it out some other time."
- "Wow! It sounds like you are having a really tough time."
- "You might need a little time to think things through. We can chat about it later if you want."
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